Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
