glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
