I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
