John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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