I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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