Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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