I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
sex in a hospital.. check
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
