My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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