all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
