Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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