So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
