508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
