Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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