good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
