No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
