My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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