Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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