quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
