yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
