you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
