So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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