Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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