I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
