Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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