Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
