Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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