Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
