so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
