I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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