were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
vagina is talking i cant
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
