Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
