I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
