I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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