come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
