ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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