After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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