This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
