I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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