:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
