what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
