dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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