he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
