WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
