i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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