I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Randomize
