I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
