How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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