Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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