I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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