Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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