i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
